unexpected car expense

I took my car in for an inspection yesterday, and got a call this morning that there is a part that needs to be replaced. (He told me the part, of course, but I promptly forgot it because my brain is a sieve when it comes to car stuff.) Unexpected, but also not. My car is something like ten years old. That it hasn’t needed more maintenance up to this point is a minor miracle, really. Especially since it handles the bulk of our road trips to various parental units.

But when someone says to you “It’s not technically a safety issue because it’s not completely broken yet” and it’s about a car part that seems important for general car-ing…

two years-ish, and an update

I didn’t make it out of the semifinals for the Podcastle flash fiction contest, and I got waitlisted for Viable Paradise.

I was a reasonable level of bummed, but honestly, that feeling was outweighed by burgeoning feelings of… momentum? possibility? improvement? And maybe, even, dare I say, pride? Making it to the semis is nothing to sniff at, and I’m in excellent, talented company on the VP waitlist. (They tell me that many of the submissions relegated to either of those categories are publishable. Whether I can find a place to publish my submissions is another matter entirely.)

In the face of these (I hesitate to call them failures because they don’t feel like that, though ostensibly, that’s what they are. Let’s go with rejections. That seems more accurate, and it’s good for me to make that distinction for myself.), I keep reminding myself, it has only been about 1.5 years since I started writing seriously, with the aim of improvement and (hopefully) eventual publication. I can see how much better I am now compared to when I began. I’m starting to write things I actually like, things that I believe in. It’s a good and delicate feeling. In MRK parlance, I’m leveling up.


And on the heels of that thought is the reminder that it has been two years since I left medicine.

Last year, this point in time passed without much acknowledgement on my part. At least not out loud. I noted the timeline, of course — I wonder how long it’ll take until July no longer reminds me of radical change. When the heavy heat of summer is no longer associated with the lifting of weight. But I let the month slip by without talking about it last year because I felt like I had talked about it enough.

And honestly, there were still nights when I would startle awake thinking my pager had gone off. There were still mornings when I would wake up and wonder if I had dreamed the whole thing. It still felt new and fragile and a little unreal.

There are days that still feel like that, but they’re far and fewer now. In the weird stutter-skip slippage of time, it feels like a lifetime ago. (Except, of course, for the occasional moments when it feels like it was yesterday.)

I still don’t feel any regret about my decision to leave medicine. I don’t think I will. Even though whenever I think about it (which is, again, far and few now), I do so carefully, gingerly, tenderly, on the look out for any points of pain.

And I suppose there are echoes of pain. Fracture lines that haven’t set quite properly. The anger is fading, though there is still some bitterness. But not about the leaving. More so about the staying for so much longer than I should have. One day, I think (and I hope), I’ll be able to forgive myself for that.

this is not what i want to worry about

Last night, Adam and I went to go see Captain Marvel. About thirty minutes from the end of the movie, the screen went black, the lights came on, and the emergency alert sounded. The fire alarm lights flickered and a pre-recorded robotic announcement told us to exit the theater in an orderly fashion.

And because I live in the United States, where we refuse to do anything about rampant gun violence despite everything, I didn’t try to look for or smell smoke. I didn’t try to remind myself what to do in case of fire. No.

I immediately thought, Oh fuck. What if this is an active shooter situation?

I looked around at the nearly evacuated theater and then around at the people crowded with me at the front exits, and I thought about how easy it would be for someone to come in up top and kill us.

I’ve been in places before when the fire alarm goes off or some other alert sounds. Usually, the people in the crowd joke with each other or roll their eyes or are exasperated at the inconvenience. Usually, people look around and wonder if it’s a mistake or a drill. Last night, we all got up pretty quickly after the alarm went off. As we were all leaving the theater, everyone was hushed. There was a quiet urgency as we all tried to leave, nearly pushing but not quite.

Once we were all outside in the cold night air, the tension broke a little. There was nervous laughter scattered across the parking lot, pockets of anger here and there. And all I could think about was how very fucked up it is that “active shooter” is the first place my brain went. And how fucked up it is that that’s now a normalized response.

What the fuck.

all of the histamine

I have an appointment to establish care with an allergist today. The plan is to get allergy testing done and then re-initiate allergy shots. I had a truncated course of shots back during medical school when it became impossible to mesh the schedule of the shots (weekly and then monthly) with the schedule of clerkships (all over the fucking place, changing from week to week). I think I had maybe a two year stretch of them? Optimistically, three at the most. The usual course is five years, I think.

So I want to start getting them again because they did make my allergic rhinitis symptoms so much better. It’s a self-imposed problem, of course. I’m somewhat allergic to cats, but I’ve always had cats. And I anticipate that I will keep having cats in the house. I’m also allergic to dogs, and everyone I care about in my life right now has dogs. So… Yeah…

In any event, in anticipation of the appointment and allergy testing today, I’ve been off cetirizine (Zyrtec) for five days now. And IT. HAS. BEEN. FUCKING. MISERABLE. My original allergist in Dallas advised me to take it daily, not so much for allergies, but for my dermatographia (aka skin writing). Basically, minor trauma/pressure (i.e. scratching, poking, nudging OR hell, too much heat or too much cold) to my skin causes a histamine response, leading to hives along the trauma. It’s called skin writing because you can literally write out words and my histamine response will follow.

This is not my skin. From Healthline.com.

Not only does it lead to unsightly welts, EVERYTHING IS FUCKING ITCHY. It’s torture. I’d rather be in pain than be itchy like this. I try to refrain from scratching–it only makes it worse seeing as the scratching causes more hives causes more itching causes more…–but there’s only so much a person can take before the claws come out. There is a small line of petechiae (from broken capillaries) along my right inner arm from a self-attack in my sleep last night.

I can’t fucking wait to be back on Zyrtec. Being off of it has left me irritated (literally and figuratively), grumpy, sleep-deprived, distracted, and, of course, itchy. Medicine is the goddamn best–I will fight you.


Edit @ 2:41p

I ended up having a blood test done instead of skin testing. The allergist tested my dermatographia, took one look at the response, and was like “yeah, that’s going to be too hard to interpret.” I said that I didn’t care how the allergy testing got done as long as it was done today, so she sent me to the lab. She mentioned that you didn’t need to be off Zyrtec for the blood test.

WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME THAT WHEN I MADE THE APPOINTMENT.

I totally would have opted for the blood test straight off the bat and avoided the last five miserable days. But I suppose this is something that the appointment schedulers aren’t trained in.

jungle cat

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A said that we should move her bed because she probably didn’t like the fact that it was next to a potted plant that we were lax in trimming. Now there is clear evidence that she’s totally fine being a jungle cat.

This was the least disgruntled pic of her that I got because she did not appreciate my sneaking up on her during her sunbeam time. I had to give lots of pets to be forgiven.

summer rundown 09/06/2018

Oh, hi.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I could give you some justifications, but you and I both know that the cobwebs on this place are from neglect. An oxymoronical active neglect. Then again, neglect has to be active, doesn’t it? It’s a verb. It’s a failure to care for something. Failure isn’t passive.

It’s like…

Continue reading

a profusion of green

For various reasons, outside of a little weeding here or there, A and I haven’t done much with the garden for the past couple of weeks. We went out there today to weed in earnest (it never ends) and were confronted by a verdant explosion.

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What.

Cue a busy morning of making pesto, making sikil pak, drying herbs, and making kale chips. I infused the lemon verbena into some simple syrup for cocktails later.

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Top: dill, lemon verbena, tarragon, marjoram. Bottom: oregano, basil, parsley.

This wasn’t even a full harvest. This was just trimming stuff back. An abundance of kale is not pictured, though you can see it peeking into frame in the upper right.

Little pawpaws were coming in too, which is very exciting.

I’m slightly worried that they’re going to ripen right when we’re going on (or during) our Europe trip. Pawpaws have a distinctly short shelf life and go quickly from perfectly ripe to way too overripe. So timing the picking and processing of fruit is very important. I’ll have to come up with some contingency plans (I can think of at least one person who would be ecstatic to help me out…).

I’m super excited for the cucumbers and beans to come in. Thus far, the garden experiment this year has been working quite well.

 

sewing for europe

In a couple of months, A and I are taking a trip to Europe. We’re meeting up with my family in Bordeaux, which has been a little over a year in the making. It’ll be A’s first time to Europe, so we’re extending the trip a bit so we can hop around a bit on our own. I’m thinking Amsterdam, maybe Belgium. I’m super excited!

Even though we’re a little ways out, I’m already thinking about what I’m going to pack. I’m more of a fall and winter person (Long coats! Fuzzy sweaters! Cute boots!), so I’ve never been good at summer clothes. How do you wear skirts? How do shorts work? I have no idea. My wardrobe in general is kind of a mishmash of different styles, none of which I necessarily feel like are my style (whatever that means). Add to that the fact that I’m trying not to buy any new clothes this year (unless I can’t make it or it’s thrifted), that means a lot more sewing is in order!

For this trip, I’m thinking lots of basic pieces that are easy to mix and match and clean. I’m pretty low maintenance when it comes to putting together outfits (partially because how do?), and I prioritize comfort and secret pajamas.

europe summer 18 inspo

one / two / three / four / five / six / seven

There is a surprising lack of pants in my inspo board. Also, that was the first time I made one of those, and I refuse to admit how long it took.

I’ve put together an absurdly long project list with full knowledge of the fact that I’m not likely to finish every project.

  • Projects
    • T-shirts (white and black). Going for a slightly slouchy silhouette. – Plantain probably (free Deer and Doe pattern!)
    • T-shirt dress – self-draft. Which should be interesting. I got an interesting tie-dye jersey that I’ve earmarked for this.
    • Easy to wear pants. In a fun pattern or in black. Maybe a linen blend or a crepe. – Alexandria Peg Trousers by Named
    • Maxi dress. I’m not a hundred percent sold on this yet because I’m wondering if it would take up too much space in luggage. – Highlands wrap dress
    • Shirt dress. I’ve been coveting this basically ever since I discovered Heather Lou’s blog. – Kalle
    • Shorter/fancier dress. Not totally sure this will be necessary, so it’s definitely lower on the priority list. – Amalfi
    • Skirts. I’m having a moment with them. I want to learn how to wear them.

So… yeah. A little ambitious, sure. But it’s good to have goals.